|
Been
Frustrated Lately?
By Tim
Hofmann
Frustration is one of our
most common human reactions. While
working with things can cause us to feel
this way, more often than not it is other
people that frustrate us. Sometimes we
get so frustrated that we can't function
effectively. Prolonged frustration can cause
health problems, relational conflict, and lost
opportunities for organizational and personal
success.
Most people don't understand
what frustration is or how it works. In the
diagram above our friend Frustrated Fred has a goal
or, more likely, an expectation for some
situation. Fred is trying to reach his goal
or expectation, but something (most likely a
person) keeps getting in the way (the
"block"). No matter how hard he tries he
can't seem to get around the block. Fred can get
so caught up in this that he ends up beating his head
against the block (metaphorically) until he either gets
a headache or a fractured
skull!
In
order to truly understand what is going on, we need to
look at the expectations underneath the
frustration. Almost everything that we expect in
life can be put in a sentence that contains either a
"should" or a "shouldn't." For example, we can
believe that "other drivers should drive
courteously." Although this sounds reasonable on
the surface, this expectation is in conflict with the
reality that some drivers do not drive in a courteous
way (at least a percentage do not). But, as human
beings we have an enormous capacity to ignore the
reality of a situation and hold on to the way we think
it "should" be. Every time we come up against
an example of how our "should" is different
from what is actually happening around us, we
feel the frustration build.
We
all carry around a map of the way we think the world and
everything and everyone in it "should"
be. Our frustration level is often a
reflection of the gap between the way we want things to
be and the way they actually
are.
In
this model of frustration, there are only three things
that you can do: 1) leave everything just the way
it is and continue to be frustrated; 2) attempt to
change the reality of the situation or; 3) move our
"shoulds" closer to reality. We'll assume
that #1 is not the best option. #2 is possible in
some situations. Anyone can learn to
use the skills of influence to introduce some
change in the behavior of others, but those skills are
complex and beyond the scope of this article.
That leaves us with #3: changing our "shoulds" to
something more
realistic.
The key to lowering our
frustration levels is to first understand
what "shoulds" we are holding on to; especially
those for people we encounter every day. Then ask
ourselves honestly if they accurately reflect what
I am seeing and hearing every day (not how I
feel or the way I want them to be).
In our previous
example, the reality is that most drivers drive
courteously, but some do not. If we expect
that all drivers will be courteous, then driving
has the potential to be a frustrating activity. If
you expect your boss to stand up to executive
management when, in reality, he is just not in that
strong of a position, we can be frustrated and
disappointed over and over making work an
unpleasant place to be. If we expect our
spouse to prepare a meal every night and it doesn't
happen - guess
what!
Take a few minutes to write
out the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" that you
have for the 5 or 6 people that you come in
contact with most days. Now, be honest with
yourself, are your expectations in line with what has
really been happening or are they just wishful
thinking? Maybe it is time to revise your thinking
so you are less stressed. A change as simple as
replacing "other drivers should..."
with "I would like other drivers to..."
can go a long way to reducing daily
frustration.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Personal
Dynamics offers a variety of services to assist
individuals and organizations to develop healthy and
productive ways of thinking, perceiving, and
interacting. For more information click the
buttons in the column to the left, send an email
to
Info@PersonalDynamics.us
or
call (480)
813-2650.
You may want to
view the privacy practices and
disclaimer.
Comments. If you have
comments or ideas for future newsletters,
click here and send me your
thoughts.
Subscribe. If you would like
to receive this newsletter, please click here, enter your first and last name in
the body of the email and send it. You will be
placed on the subscriber's list to receive the
newsletters as they are
published.
Unsubscribe. If you would
like to stop receiving this newsletter,
please click here. You will be removed from
the subscription list
ASAP. | 
