The Marriage Dance (it’s not the two-step!)

By Tim Hofmann, M.C.

Marriage and other long-term relationships are in many ways like dancing.  When two partners get together they don’t know what to expect and they don’t know how to react.  We all feel self-conscience sometimes almost like we have two left feet. 

 Inevitably we get sore feet, sometimes just from dancing and sometimes from our partner stepping on our toes.  Of course, when you don’t know the new dance and you don’t really know your partner it is easy to step on their toes . . . . . . . .sometimes unknowingly. 

Practice, practice practice

 When we are just learning to dance we look at the other people and are amazed at how graceful they appear.  They seem to glide along on the dance floor, or in life, and always be in step with the music.  What goes unseen is the countless hours of practice.  Although practicing can be fun, it does take time and effort...if you don’t practice you never get really good at it.  Marriage, like dancing, requires time and effort to get good at it. 

Are you rusty?

 Sometimes people will take up dancing, learn to get pretty good at it, and then, for some reason, they stop practicing.  Personal or family circumstances may be interfering or, perhaps, they just forgot how fun it is to dance.  Life circumstances may appear to not allow time to dance anymore.  Even though it seems like there isn’t time, couples need to make the time for the marriage dance.  For unlike being rusty at dancing, being rusty at marriage can have severe consequences. 

Just when you knew the tune!

 And of course, just to make this more complicated, the dance tunes change.  As we age we all go through life stages that force our relationships to change.  Sometimes the forces of change are external events:  the birth of a child, job changes and relocations, changes in our extended families or financial changes to name a few.  Sometimes the changes are in ourselves:  changing needs, wants and ambitions in ourselves or our partners.  One of the few things you can count on about music and people is that they will change in time.  We have to adapt our dance style to the new circumstances. 

Dance to the Music

 It would seem clear that dancing would be very difficult if not impossible if you couldn’t hear the music.  Yet, most of the couples that come into therapy are trying to do just that.  It’s as if they have danced the same steps to the same tune so long that they have dug themselves into a rut, continuing to try to dance even though the music has stopped long ago. 

Whenever you dance you must listen.  This bears repeating:  you must listen, with your ears, your mind and, most importantly, your heart.  If your partner appears to be trying to dance without listening then it is time to call attention to the problem in a caring and gentle way (this is not the time to vent your frustration, but a time to call attention to the dance).   

Marriage, like dancing, requires continued time and effort to remain good at it.  Without practice the partners become rusty.  To be good at dancing you have to listen to the tunes and be willing to adapt as the music changes.  Dancing will remain fun and fulfilling only as long as both partners work together on the dance steps.