“It’s Just a Communications Problem”

By Tim Hofmann, M.C.

Whether it’s families, couples, business or individual problems, some form of communications breakdown is a key component in the majority of clients that I see.  This is not surprising, given that we live in a world where the conveying of ideas is so fundamental to our existence.  Yet it is always interesting how many people minimize the importance of this area with comments such as “it’s just a communications problem.”

Habits, Perceptions and Personality

The process of human communications is driven by behavioral habits, perceptions,  and personality.  From the time we are small children we observe others in our world in an attempt to understand how to interact with others.  We pick up much of our perceptions, personality and communications habits from those that are most influential in our early lives:  our family.

Listening is a habit that most of us do not learn very well.  Many or us here the first few words and then begin to formulate our response, ignoring the rest of what is said.  Even worse, some people begin to respond even before the first person is done, stepping on the other person’s words and creating plenty of frustration and bad feelings. 

Another bad habit is trying to feed the other person an entire elephant all at once.  Sometimes we have so much to say that we don’t give the other person a chance to grasp what we are saying before we are off on another subject area.

Even when we do listen we sometimes color the words with our perceptions to the point where the message is distorted beyond recognition.  This often happens with couples or families when one person assumes that they know what the other one means, rather than listening to the words they say.

An individual’s personality also plays a fundamental part in the communications game.  Each of us has our own personality, formed by some combination of our genetic inheritance and our experiences as we grow up.  Our style of communicating (both listening and speaking) is a reflection of this personality.  It is easy for us to assume that all other communications styles are similar to ours.  The key word here is assume; and you know what happens when you assume!

Healthy Habits

Paying attention to a few of the basics can go a long way to enhancing a relationship, whether it be with a friend, a business acquaintance, in a marriage or in a family.  First, listen.  Avoid thinking about how you are going to respond to someone while they are still talking.  Be sure you got the whole message, then respond.  Second, assume that everyone is different from you; they think differently, they perceive the world differently and they communicate differently.  Make no assumptions about what is being said...if in doubt, ask!

Third, when you are the person speaking be sure to deliver your message in bite-sized chunks (if you try to eat an elephant all at once it tends to get stuck in your throat).  Be sure that each bite of your message is understood before feeding them another.

Communicating with another person is more difficult than it seems.  Paying attention to a few of the basics can reward you big in the bank of relationships.