Whom Did You Marry?

By Tim Hofmann, M.C.

When most people get married they assume that they are becoming wedded to the person that they have been dating, which is true...sort of.  Not long after the ceremony they realize that they really married into a family.  Each partner and the couple together will feel the influence of the extended families to varying degrees.  As time goes on, the influence of the extended families will change.

 Certainly, the first few years of the marriage will be a time of adjustment for all involved.  Hopefully, each partner will be accepted into their new families and a balance will be achieved between the needs of each extended family, the needs of each partner, and the needs of the new couple.

 Unfortunately, it is often the case where the extended families interfere with the health of the marriage.  Sometimes one or other of the extended families may reject the new family member.  Sometimes a parent may have a strong personality that a new partner is unaccustomed to dealing with.  Sometimes there is conflict in one of the extended families that bleeds over into the new marriage. Sometimes just trying to cope with a new set of parents can be a challenge.

 Younger couples sometimes need to go through the process of “cutting the apron strings” to establish new ties and relationships.  This can be difficult at any age because almost everybody in both extended families has a vested interest in not having to make a change.  Parents continue to view their offspring as children, needing their protection and help.  When a newly married person challenges a parent’s well-intentioned “help” the parent will likely become offended.

Handling Families

New couples would do well to consider how to deal with each of the families.  First, and foremost, is the issue of open and honest communications.  Each partner in the marriage must feel like he or she can discuss family problems with their spouse.  This is usually easier said than done as the new couple is not quite sure how to talk with each other without hurting the other’s feelings.

Second, the new couple needs to establish an identity for itself.  This is a kind of declaration of who the new family (the couple) is and where they draw the line in the interactions with the extended family.  Both partners need to agree on how the extended families will be dealt with.  Unspoken disagreement in this area creates a marriage ripe for conflict.

Third, the new family needs to communicate their identity to the extended families.  This will often take the form of boundary setting statements such as “We have decided that we will be spending Christmas with the Andersons and Thanksgiving with the Jones.”  This will be difficult for each partner as they are having to learn to be assertive with their parents.

Believe it or not, having another family can be enjoyable.  The opportunity to develop a close relationship with new parents and siblings can be very rewarding over the long run.  Since you have this opportunity, it is to your advantage to develop healthy relationships from the start.  A little extra effort up front will pay off down the road.
 

 Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.

--Joseph Barth